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We had agreed that the greatest revenge is to vanish from Your dreams. To cease waking in terror in the dead of night. To no longer behold Your sweat-drenched face beneath the dim light. To forget that You have forgotten, right there in the heart of darkness. To begin anew with the birth of morning’s first light. To witness the healing of a heart struck a thousand times. To know no more fear. To leave behind a shattered vase. To heed not the shards of glass embedded in my feet. To make peace with the blood that flows.

At least this is how I fool myself: As if I do not see You everywhere I turn. As if I do not yearn for You even in my most secret hours. As if I do not tremble at the thought of losing You for even a single breath… I long to seek refuge by forgetting You. I know I love You, yet I pour oceans of water over the flames within my heart. I blend every moment of Your existence with my own. Even if You think I have forgotten You, I recreate You in each of my universes—and love You anew.

I am ashamed of the tears I shed each night. I press a pillow to my mouth so You cannot hear my screams. I wish to erase Your footprints from the depths of my mind, yet I cannot bar the paths of my heart to You.

My God… why do You torment me? My God… why do You make me feel so intensely?

I walk through streets that have grown alien to me. They no longer feel familiar. The scent of this body I inhabit has begun to unsettle me. My disturbed mind is caught in a constant act of flight. I find myself besieged by creatures that exhale decay yet have forgotten how to rot—an abandoned forest of suicide. I cannot conceive of life beyond my dreams.

A bomb exploded, and I took refuge behind a pillar, desperate to escape. Time flowed like water. I felt the searing heat of flames rising on either side. Unfamiliar odors seeped from my flesh—I sensed a fire. Yet I remained oblivious to the acrid smell of my melting skin. I became utterly convinced that pain endures.

The building reborn from the ashes. I came to tend the fragile hopes sprouting within its ruins. I was deliriously happy. I scarcely noticed the blood streaming from my arms. I felt vividly alive. I began to hesitate to give voice to my thoughts. I grew thoroughly accustomed to lying. I was certain this was how I would take refuge in the virtue of happiness. I greeted the faces I once knew with renewed love.

But as brief as my happiness, my dream too was fleeting. At the very moment I did not want to be disturbed by the one from whom I sought upheaval, I was interrupted. Sometimes there are only moments: the smoke swirling in my mind scorches my lungs; moments like faith; moments when my heart outstrips my mind…

I wanted to be baptized by you. I wanted to kneel before you. I wanted to believe in you.

The doors closed. Inside, there was only you and me. I could feel our breaths merging. When the ringing in my ears faded, the first thing I heard was your rising voice. Why were you so angry? Though I tried to defuse the tension before it began, I knew I’d failed. I’ve always been like this. I knew you’d never grasp the worth I placed on him. Perhaps you’ll never meet anyone like me. I tried to show off my superiority complex by remaining calm. My sense of alienation was nothing new.

Through your mounting shouts I barely caught a few words. Why was I repeating myself? I thought about responding, but saw no need. I’ll never understand why my writing always surfaces in my mind during my tensest moments. Unspoken words turn into ink. What remains unsaid fills the pages. It shouldn’t be this way. Some things must be spoken—and, once spoken, truly heard. Aren’t most problems born from the failure to understand what’s been said?

Even though I hate fighting, a part of me has always secretly enjoyed it. If I’d known, while still in my mother’s womb, that war—an indispensable force of evolution—would one day besiege our collective consciousness, would I have opened my eyes at all? A few blows to my chest brought me back. The voices rose even louder because I stayed silent. Then a single sentence slipped from my lips: I love you.